Thursday, February 28, 2013
Heavy Metal's Replacement For Pope Benedict XVI Has Been Unleashed In Rome!
As Pope Benedict XVI steps down because he is not Metal enough. For real, what a quitter! We smell some conspiracy lined up by the Catholic church, but lets not even go there. Rome, Italy, is ready to welcome the NEW Pope. While Ian Fraser "Lemmy" Kilmister from Motörhead would be a great candidate, Lemmy is god so he wasn't considered for the Vatican's unholiest position. Then we got Robert John Arthur "Rob" Halford from Judas Priest, but Halford is the Metal God. And while John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne would make the Vatican go "fucking crazy", Ozzy is the Prince Of Darkness and that might be too controversial for the super sacred Catholic church (note our sarcasm).
So after many hours of deliberating a group of Metallic Cardinals that wear leather and spikes instead of some wacked uniform, have announced that the NEW Pope is:
Kim Bendix Petersen, also known as our holiness King Diamond! Born in Copenhagen, Denmark on June 14, 1956, he is at the perfect age to become the 267th Pope and with his heart fixed he is ready to reign in blood for many years (not like the quitter dude who just retired). Please welcome Kim Bendix I to the Vatican. His first order of business as the NEW leader of the Catholic Church is to headline a massive live concert at the Archbasilica of St. John Lateran at the ecclesiastical Province of Rome! His special guests: Motörhead, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath WITH Bill Ward, Slayer, and Testament. Oh, and we can't forget Metal Church. Now get off your knees and start headbanging!
He has also announced that from now on priests and nuns can have as much sex as they want and the NEW testament will be rewritten by Kim Bendix I! About bloody time! Get it?
As previously reported, KING DIAMOND, BOLT THROWER, TESTAMENT and CHILDREN OF BODOM have all been confirmed for this year's Tuska festival! Finland's Heavy Metal fest will take place between June 28-30 in Suvilahti, Helsinki, Finland. It has also been announced that "The King" will be Friday night's closing performance at Bloodstock Open Air 2013! This memorable event marks not only their first-ever U.K. festival appearance, but their first U.K. show of any kind in many years and will be their only U.K. date in 2013!
Official Site of King Diamond
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